I'm usually not one for straight forward jokes... but my friend posted this on FB and it was too good not to share... feel free to post some good ones of your own..
A man walks into a seedy tavern and sees a customer staring sadly at a bowl of chili.
Bravely, the man asks the patron, " Mind if I take your bowl...If you're not hungry?"
Sure thing replies the patron.
The man starts eating until he reaches a dead mouse at the middle of the meal.
He promptly throws up back into the bowl. whereupon the patron says, "
Yeah, I stopped there, too. "
Who we are is but a stepping stone to what we can become...
A guy called Joe goes to prison. On the first day there,all the inmates in the adjoining cells seem to be playing a strange game.
They call out numbers and they laugh at the number. "158" one inmate shouts, and the cells burst out in laughter. So Joe asks his neghbouring cell mate what it's about and the guy replies " We've told each other jokes so many times, that we've got them memorized and have numbers assigned to them" .
As the laughter dies down, someone shouts "315!" and Joe's neighbour, laughing so hard he's got tears in his eyes exclaims,"Never heard that one before!"
When the remarkable becomes bizarre, reason turns rancid.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to take a break from their detective work and go camping in the countryside. After pitching their tent, extinguishing the campfire, and getting snug in their sleeping bags, Holmes turns to Watson and says. "Watson, when you look up at the stars on a night such as this what do you think?"
"Well old bean," Watson replied, "I think of the mysterious beauty of the heavens, of the enormity of God's handiwork, of the trillions and trillions of planets and galaxies that are in the universe and how small we are compared to them. And sometimes I think of the future, when one day future generations of Englishmen will slip the surly bonds of this Earth to take their rightful place among the stars."
Holmes frowned and snorted, "You idiot, it means someone stole our tent."
But you should walk having internal dignity. Be a wonderful person who can dance pleasantly to the rhythm of the universe.
-Sun Myung Moon
Moonbo wrote:Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to take a break from their detective work and go camping in the countryside. After pitching their tent, extinguishing the campfire, and getting snug in their sleeping bags, Holmes turns to Watson and says. "Watson, when you look up at the stars on a night such as this what do you think?"
"Well old bean," Watson replied, "I think of the mysterious beauty of the heavens, of the enormity of God's handiwork, of the trillions and trillions of planets and galaxies that are in the universe and how small we are compared to them. And sometimes I think of the future, when one day future generations of Englishmen will slip the surly bonds of this Earth to take their rightful place among the stars."
Holmes frowned and snorted, "You idiot, it means someone stole our tent."
HEHE I thought that was about the Accountant and Business Grad, mocking the Business Grad's "Out of the Box" thinking.
When the remarkable becomes bizarre, reason turns rancid.
Two guys go camping in the wilderness.The first guy ,Tom needs to relieve himself in the middle of the night but falls down a cravass in the dark.Joe the second guy hears his scream and investigates. Sees Tom at the bottm of the cravass and frantically dials emergency services.
"help" he screams into the phone "my friends had a fall and i think he's dead"
Operator"Don't panic make sure your friends dead first"
Operator hears foot falls in the distance and then a gunshot.
Joe to operator "okay he's dead, now what?"
Growing old is inevitable.......Growing up is optional
I liked them all... Moobo's, Storms, and Bobby's...all gave me a giggle! Bobby's totally took me by surprise and I laughed out loud... the ending was priceless...
Who we are is but a stepping stone to what we can become...
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.The car breaks down."Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system. "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.The car breaks down."Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system. "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
That's a good one... I'm sending this to my friend who's a network admin...
Who we are is but a stepping stone to what we can become...
A guy called Joe goes to prison. On the first day there,all the inmates in the adjoining cells seem to be playing a strange game.
They call out numbers and they laugh at the number. "158" one inmate shouts, and the cells burst out in laughter. So Joe asks his neghbouring cell mate what it's about and the guy replies " We've told each other jokes so many times, that we've got them memorized and have numbers assigned to them" .
As the laughter dies down, someone shouts "315!" and Joe's neighbour, laughing so hard he's got tears in his eyes exclaims,"Never heard that one before!"
Odd, I've heard an alternate punchline to that one.
One guy shouts out "315!", and the laughter dies. Joe turns to his neighbour. "It was the way he told it."
A guy called Joe goes to prison. On the first day there,all the inmates in the adjoining cells seem to be playing a strange game.
They call out numbers and they laugh at the number. "158" one inmate shouts, and the cells burst out in laughter. So Joe asks his neghbouring cell mate what it's about and the guy replies " We've told each other jokes so many times, that we've got them memorized and have numbers assigned to them" .
As the laughter dies down, someone shouts "315!" and Joe's neighbour, laughing so hard he's got tears in his eyes exclaims,"Never heard that one before!"
Odd, I've heard an alternate punchline to that one.
One guy shouts out "315!", and the laughter dies. Joe turns to his neighbour. "It was the way he told it."
I read my version in the Reader's Digest a few years back. this ones funny too.
When the remarkable becomes bizarre, reason turns rancid.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
I liked them all... Moobo's, Storms, and Bobby's...all gave me a giggle! Bobby's totally took me by surprise and I laughed out loud... the ending was priceless... 
